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One Movie Punch


Oct 19, 2019

NARRATOR: “Welcome back to Reign of Terror 2019! 31 straight days of horror movie reviews and interviews. Today’s episode will feature Niall Cooper of the Assassinations podcast, who will be reviewing the 1959 cult classic, ‘Plan 9 From Outer Space’. A promo will run before the review.”

NARRATOR: “But now, let’s turn our attention to the fate of our host Joseph, in Part One of “WORLD WITHOUT COLOR”!” 

SCENE: Cemetery.

NARRATOR: “When we last left our hero...”

NARRATOR: “Yikes. And yet, somehow, Joseph was still alive, although he was no longer in the less spacious trunk of a car, but had been placed in a much smaller, much more confined space.” 

JOSEPH: “Now where am I?” 

NARRATOR: “Joseph was able to maneuver one of his arms up, feeling the length of the wooden box, first with his hands, then with his feet. The exploration was first calm, then became more frantic, until he began to hear voices.”

NIALL: “We are gathered here today to celebrate the passing of Joseph Dobzynski (DAHB-ZIN-SKI), Jr. He was a good man, but only a fair-to-middling podcast host…” 

JOSEPH: “Hey!”

NARRATOR: “Sometimes the truth hurts.”

NIALL: “...but he will always be remembered for his ill-fated attempt to complete 31 days of horror movie reviews and interviews, disappearing weeks before the event.”

JOSEPH: “LET ME OUT!”

NIALL: “Even now, I feel like I can hear his voice...”

JOSEPH: “I’m not dead yet!”

NIALL: “...quoting Monty Python in the worst of circumstances. He has survived two trunk rides, a bus ride, two haunted houses, and an encounter with two alien species. But he couldn’t survive a car crash. Not even with...”

NARRATOR: “The voice stopped, as if remembering something.”

NIALL: “...but has anyone tried it?”

JOSEPH: “Tried what?”

NIALL: “No. No, I don’t believe anyone has.”

JOSEPH: “Tried WHAT?”

NIALL: “But could it be...” 

JOSEPH: “TRIED? WHAT?” 

NIALL: “Could he survive... PLAN 9 FROM OUTER SPACE!”

JOSEPH: “What?”

NIALL: “I said... PLAN 9 FROM OUTER SPACE!”

JOSEPH: “What the hell is Plan 9 From Outer Space?”

NIALL: “Maybe, if I just take this random prop, and pretend to alter it enough for the camera...”

JOSEPH: “Cameras? What cameras?” 

NIALL: “...it will resonate with his pituitary and pineal glands, causing him to...” 

JOSEPH: “What’s happening?!”

NIALL: “Yes, I think it’s working. Now if we remove the cover. He’s alive!” 

NARRATOR: “Joseph’s eyes immediately closed against the bright white light from outside the coffin, even while gulping in fresh air and pulling himself up and out of the grave. It wasn’t until he opened his eyes that he noticed three things. First...” 

JOSEPH: “Everything is in black and white!” 

NARRATOR: “...and it was true, as if all the color had been pulled out of the world, leaving only various shades of grey. And turning to the source of the voice, he saw a roughly humanoid figure, wearing a particularly cheap and corny mask made to look alien.” 

NIALL: “It has worked! He has risen! And now, I must go!”

NARRATOR: “And that lead to the third thing, which was a giant flying saucer, seemingly made from similarly cheap materials. Joseph watching the masked figure ascend the steps, waiting for the prop to fall apart, but it didn’t.” 

NIALL: “Now keep going, Joseph, and see if your stupid, stupid mind can survive the final trials ahead of you.” 

NARRATOR: “Smoke began to erupt from underneath the craft, as the loading ramp retracted into the structure. The door sealed, and the craft slowly began to rise, in defiance of all physical laws, various definitions of sanity, and every matter of good taste. And then, suddenly, it disappeared.”

JOSEPH: “What the hell is going on now?”

NARRATOR: “What indeed? All Joseph knew was that he had survived the grave, and now he was in a graveyard, located in the middle of a scrubland. Every direction was the same.”

JOSEPH: “Well, I can’t stay here.”

NARRATOR: “And Joseph began walking, away from one grave, but was he heading towards another? Find out tomorrow in Part Two of “WORLD WITHOUT COLOR”, when we’ll be running Joseph’s classic review of “Carnival of Souls”. Yes, Joseph. That’s right. More calliope.” 

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<< ASSASSINATIONS PODCAST PROMO >> 

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Today’s movie is “Plan 9 From Outer Space” (1959), a shlock sci-fi horror exploitation flick written, produced, and directed by Edward Davis Wood, Jr. Infamously one of the worst motion pictures ever committed to celluloid, we witness an alien race reviving the dead in San Fernando, California. 

An old man stands at the graveside of his recently departed wife. He sheds a tear. We feel for him, and for a moment - the briefest moment - we ask ourselves: Is this movie going to be any good? We are soon disabused of this silly notion. For while the old man, played by iconic actor Bela Lugosi, offers us a moment of pathos, “Plan 9”quickly gets into the spooky schlock for which its writer/director Ed Wood was notorious. I won’t bother you with the plot beyond what I’ve already said: aliens + undead = spooky nonsense. In my view the best - the very best - line of dialogue is: “Why is it that so many thoughtful people on Earth are scared of those who cannot think - the dead.”

If we are being kind, we might note that there are some allegorical messages about nuclear weapons and government secrecy. But let’s not try to make whole cloth from such thin material. Rather, the best part of this film is the story behind it. “Plan 9”was supposed to be called “Grave-Robbers From Outer Space”. And in fact, this title is used in the film’s opening monologue. However, bizarrely, the movie was financed by members of a Southern Baptist Church, who opposed this title as being too ungodly. So “Plan 9”it was. And why not?

The cast is made up of a motley crew of Ed Wood regulars and associates, including actor/wrestler Tor Johnson; celebrity psychic Charles Criswell King; socialite drag queen Bunny Breckinridge; and television’s first lady of fright, Vampira. More than anything else, “Plan 9”shows just what can be achieved in Hollywood with grit, determination, and a plucky attitude. Not much.

“Plan 9” is bonkers. The special effects are crummy. The dialogue is risible. Most of the acting is hammy. And yet this is a film with heart. Wood never let the limitations of budget or talent get in the way. He pressed on with his vision regardless, and he could rally people around him to bring that vision - however imperfectly - to life. His projects were veritable islands of misfit toys, with a strange array of the weird and wonderful, the has-beens and the never-weres, coming together. This is what attracted director Tim Burton to make his wonderful 1994 film, called “Ed Wood”, in which he lovingly portrays this unconventional family as they make their way through the unglamorous world of Hollywood B-movies.

The film has in recent years become a cult camp classic amongst retro sci-fi and horror fans. If you don’t watch “Plan 9 From Outer Space”- and I wouldn’t blame you if you didn’t - then please, please do watch Burton’s take on the remarkable men and women behind it. 

Rotten Tomatoes: 67%

Metacritic: NR

One Movie Punch: 3.0/10

“Plan 9 From Outer Space”is available through Amazon, iTunes, and the Retro Movie Theater app.

Thanks, One Movie Punch, for letting me review this cult classic. And next time you’re in a graveyard in San Fernando and you see a flying saucer, stop awhile and think of Ed Wood.