Feb 16, 2019
Hi everyone!
Shane Hyde is back once again, this time for a less than stellar Netflix Original film. He’ll have his thoughts in a bit, but for a few other questionable productions from Netflix from last year, check out “Bright” (Episode #002), “The Open House” (Episode #020), “The Cloverfield Paradox” (Episode #044), “Mute” (Episode #055), and “Sabrina” (Episode #328). Maybe don’t watch those films, but definitely check out our reviews.
Also, I gave Shane one rule with this episode: don’t use the obvious catch phrase from the film. It’s crude, and insensitive, and let’s face it, horrible writing. I’m sure he won’t use it in any way, shape, or form later on. The listener should not take this as any kind of foreshadowing whatsoever.
Right, Shane?
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Kia ora, I’m Shane Hyde here and I’m here to talk about movies and chew bubble gum... and I brought enough for everyone. You want some? It’s grape!
Anyway, today’s review is for 2019’s “Polar”, a movie that aimed for its hard R and doesn’t quite reach the lofty heights of “Crank”.
So, without further ado... it’s blow time!
(Oh, for <beep>’s sake!)
“Polar” is a Netflix Original comic-book adaptation, the screenplay by Jayson Rothwell, and directed by Jonas Åkerlund. Who these guys are, I have no idea, but there’s nothing good to their names. I’m not familiar with the source material but having learned that it was a comic-book, the movie itself starts to make a bit more sense. But this doesn’t save it though, oh no.Polar follows Duncan Vizla, played adequately by Mads Mikkelsen, the world’s top assassin, and he’s about to enter a life of retirement. In a hack-handed plot, Matt Lucas’ Blut sets a team of what turn out to be shitty assassins after him to save in retirement fees.
Seriously, that’s the plot.
“Polar” is three films wearing a trench coat and trying to sneak into an R-rated theater. The tone is uneven throughout, wanting to be 2017’s “Killing Gunther” one minute, and then “John Wick” another, and then a serious drama about a killer coming face to face with the ramifications of his actions. I think there’s a dash of “The Incredible Hulk” in there, some “Casino Royale”, and “Pink Flamingos” because at the end I felt that I had eaten dog shit.
Mads Mikkelsen’s performance is stony-faced and, like I said, just adequate and contrasts sharply against the antagonists, a bunch of campy two-dimensional assassins who don’t really matter in the great scheme of things, and their hyper-flamboyant boss who seems to be channeling Divine from the aforementioned “Pink Flamingos”. But I should mention Vanessa Hudgens is in here playing Camille, a woman escaping her tragic past. And she seems to be convinced that she’s in a completely different movie than everyone else, putting in a solid and really good acting turn against Mads, but not doing a whole lot of anything else... but I’m venturing here into spoiler territory.
Look, if you’re going to do a comic book film, do it properly and stick to the tone. Polar doesn’t just meander back and forth, it shifts suddenly and jarringly from camp to serious, and back again, and landing at a dozen places in between.
**sigh**
It earns its R rating with a copious amount of blood and skin, but it didn’t necessarily need all that. And to be frank: “Polar” is a bit crap.
In summary, “Polar” isn’t a film you’d show to your granny. You might watch it with your mates, but there is better fare out there that will give you the same levels of gratification. Hell, even “Pink Flamingos” manages to keep it focused.
Rotten Tomatoes: 22%
Metacritic: 19
One Movie Punch: 2.5/10
...and that’s really only because of Vanessa Hudgens.
“Polar” is currently rated R and streaming on Netflix.
Let me just write this down on my Cards Against Humanity card... it’s... blow... time.